Letters
by Kiki102
Summary: From first discovering Ziva's pregnant, until the day he dies, Tony writes letters to his eldest child. detailing their lives together; his life when they're apart; his relationship with Ziva; friendships; love and loss. Major TIVA, some McABBEY.
1. Introduction

**Hey. Sorry to anyone who's been reading my other stories, but my dad's got a new job and until our house sells we are living in a rental with ****NO INTERNET****! So that's why I'm slow in updating and will be until the summer hols. I'm hoping to get a chance to upload the next chapters to No Ordinary Job before I return to the land of no internet tomorrow. But here's the beginning of a new story just in case I don't. Reviews will help me stay sane while I have no internet! Enjoy!**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_To anyone with the name McGee, Proabie, Elflord, Thom E Gemcity, or any associated names, if I find out you've read this, I will shoot you. _

_To anyone with the name Palmer or autopsy gremlin, if you've been peeking in my desk drawers again and find this, you are expressly forbidden to read this._

_This is the property of very Special agent Anthony DiNozzo. Anyone who is not me or my child is NOT allowed to read this. And yes that includes you Gibbs, but you'll probably just ignore this. You and only you will get off with ignoring this warning. Anyone else will be shot. Or worse, put in a car with Ziva driving._


	2. Incorrect Responses

_Home_

_25__th__ January_

_What's the correct response when your girlfriend, who is also a federal agent, an ex-Mossad officer, and your partner in the team, announces she's pregnant? Are you supposed to leap up in the air and cry "Fabulous!" or "Amazing!" or "Stupendous!" or some other crap like that? Are you supposed to grab her and give her a massive kiss? Are you supposed to say, like I would imagine legions of fathers have, say "Are you sure?" I'm pretty sure that saying "Is it mine?" isn't in the top ten ways to take the news. Then again, I could be wrong. I guess I earned that slap._

_I don't really know why I'm doing this. God knows I'm no writer. It took me five attempts to make my first report acceptable, and it would have been more if Gibbs hadn't felt sorry for me. And I don't have an alter ego called Thom E Gemcity. _

_But, I guess it's so there will always be a piece of me for you to hang on to. Because being an NCIS agent isn't like being a secretary or something, where the biggest danger is getting a papercut. We get shot at, like, daily. This way, even if I'm not around, I can still talk to you. _

_So, hi. I'm your father. God. That looks even stupider on paper than it sounded in my head. I'm not thinking straight. Because, the thing is baby, I'm scared. Because I'm not very grown up and being a father means being grown up. A friend of mine once said I was like an X rated Peter Pan. I'll explain that when you're older. __Much __older._

_We'll watch all the Peter Pan films. All of them. And I'll teach you all the quotes. I'll hold you when the crocodile or the pirates scares you, or the mermaids in the 2003 version. (And despite what your mother will tell you, they do not scare me!)_

_I have to go. Your mother will yell at me in a minute in a minute. I promised to cook dinner. And she's not in the mood for arguing. So if I want to live and see you- which I do- I have to go._

_Anthony (Tony) DiNozzo_

_(Dad)_


	3. Not so secret secrets

**Sorry for the delay in updating due to the whole internet thing! It's driving me mad! The only good thing is it's giving me lots of time to write! Reviews will help keep me sane(ish)! :)**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_Home_

_13__th__ February_

_Hi baby,_

_Our secret (you) is out. Actually quite a few of our secrets are out. This is what happened…_

_A week after we found out about you, I proposed. The Great Anthony DiNozzo proposing. Kate will be turning in her grave. It went like this:_

_Me: Ziva?_

_Mom: yes Tony?_

_Me: I've been thinking._

_Mom: Wow Tony. I am impressed!_

_Me: Then again, I think I've changed my mind._

_Mom: I was only joking. What were you thinking about?_

_Me: Will you marry me?_

_Mom: (silence)_

_Me: Is that a no?_

_Mom: No._

_Me: No? Why not?_

_Mom: I meant no it is not a no._

_Me: (silence)_

_Mom: that means yes Tony._

_Me: Oh. Right. I knew that._

_So now me and your mom are engaged. To be married. That's a scary thought. Me, married. I'm having cold shivers at the thought. But, if I had to get married, I'm glad it's to your mom, my crazy little ninja chick._

_So, how everyone found out. We went into work the next day, acting totally normal. Which wasn't hard because we're not supposed to be together. But Gibbs, ever the eagle eyed, spotted Ziva's ring (Yes, I even bought a ring! __And__ it was the right size! Aren't you proud of your daddy?) and Gibbs slapped both of us._

"_What happened to rule 12?" he asked._

"_Sorry boss," I said. Which earned me another Gibbs slap. Rule 6, never apologise, it's a sign of weakness. Rule 12 is never date a co-worker. These are Gibbs rules and I fully intend to teach you them all. _

"_I am pregnant," Ziva explained. So naturally I got Gibbs slapped._

"_What was that for?"_

"_It's your fault," Gibbs replied._

"_Why?"_

"_When your girlfriend gets pregnant, it's always your fault."_

_So that was how Gibbs and McGee found out. And abbey found out because McGee, naturally, told her. And she told Ducky and Palmer. And pretty soon everyone knew. So we figured we should probably tell our boss, our other boss. The one nobody really likes. Leon Vance. When you're older, you and I will make fun of him and his toothpick. Mom will tell us it's wrong but then she'll join in too. _

_So, now the whole of NCIS knows about you. Hell, the whole of the Navy and Marine corps probably knows. My famous baby. I want you to know that I love you, completely and utterly. I always, __always__ will._

_love_

_dad_


	4. Hello

**Hey. I'm just uploading everything I've got at the moment before I return to the land of no internet. Yes, the internet has gone there. So I'm back to being slow at updating. Enjoy! **

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_The office_

_1__st__ March_

_Hi baby girl! (Or boy!)_

_By now we're pretty sure you're a girl. You look like a girl. Oh yes, for the first time, we've seen you. Well, a picture of you. I've got a copy of the print out of the scan here in front of me. We've got a copy at home too, but this one's going to be framed and put here on my desk. At least until I get a real picture of you. I can't believe it's only six and a half months until you get here. It sounds like forever but it's not, it's really not. It only feels like yesterday that we found out about you. But it isn't. And you're growing. Mom's baby bump is beginning to show. She hates the fact she's putting on weight (something she'll probably hold against the two of us forever). Yesterday, after standing on my bathroom scales, she glared at me and said "This is all your fault". Gibbs was so right._

_love_

_dad_


	5. Putting my foot in it

_The car_

_18__th__ March_

_Well, we've had our first fight. Not our first ever fight (I think we had that the day we met), our first major fight as a couple. And guess what? It's all my fault. Okay, maybe this was __kinda __my fault..._

_It all started when your mom said "What if it's a boy?" _

"_What d'you mean?" I asked._

"_Well we are so sure it is a girl. But what if it is a boy? We have not discussed any boys names."_

"_I don't really mind," I said. "As long as you don't call him Ari, anything's fine by me."_

_Big mistake._

_Your mom's eyes narrowed (which really should have been a warning but I was too thick to realise). "What is wrong with Ar?" she demanded._

"_Ziva, I know he was your half brother but I don't care. He killed Kate and tried to kill Abbey and Gibbs. We are not naming our child after a murderer."_

_Your mom was not happy. She started yell at me, first in English then in Hebrew. Now, my Hebrew isn't great, but I have a feeling they were swear words. She even threatened to throw the ring at me but said, "It is only because I found your credit card statement and know how much it cost that I am not destroying this." Oops..._

_So now I'm sleeping in the car because McGee won't let me sleep on the couch and Gibbs isn't answering his phone (one of the ex-wives must be after him again), Ducky's out of town and Abbey's phone's engaged (probably your mom, moaning about me)._

_love _

_dad x_


	6. Happy

**Hi! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed etc so far! About the last chapter, I got a review saying that Ziva was wrong to go mad etc. First, if it was from you, I'm NOT having a go here. But I thought I'd explain this to everyone just incase anyone else felt the same way. It was meant to be Tony being insensitive because he's not perfect (no one is) and at this point he doesn't know that Ziva killed Ari. And although Ari deserves to die, he's still her brother. So hope that cleared everything up. Enjoy! :)**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_The park_

_29__th__ June_

_Hi baby!_

_Summer has arrived. At last. It rained and rained until last week when it began to clear up. Now, it's 83 degrees Farenhiet and pure sunshine. The office is murder. The air con's broken. Again. The only one not feeling the heat is Gibbs. He's barely breaking a sweat while the rest of us need buckets round our desks. Sometimes, I swear that man's not human. _

_Your mom is not impressed. The heat never normally bothers her, cause she's from Israel and it's a desert (Trust me, I've been there. Not the best trip of my life.), but because she's pregnant it's driving her mad. I'm live in permanent fear of being Gibbs slapped. If it wasn't so damn hot I'd wear a helmet. But those things make your head sweat even more than usual. (I'm kidding really)_

_Gibbs actually let us off work early today. So me, your mom, McGee and Abby came here. Your mom is happy cause she's sitting in the shade and I bought her an ice-cream. (I'm still on best behaviour after the whole Ari thing) I'd like to join Abby and McGee over there in the sun, but I'm comfy here, except for the tree root I'm sitting on. But I think your mom id that on purpose. But I have my arm around your mom's shoulder and she's leaning her head on my shoulder, her eyes behind her sunglasses are shut but she's not asleep. I'm balancing this on my lap and writing which is harder than it looks. We're happy. And I want to hang on to that for as long as possible._

_love _

_dad xxx_


	7. Fourth of July

_The park_

_4__th__ July_

_Happy Fourth of July baby!_

_Practically the whole of NCIS is here. Except Gibbs. But someone had to hold down the fort. And Ducky. But he's Scottish and doesn't get the whole Fourth of July thing. Even the director and his family are here. We (me, mom, Abby and McGee) have gained the autopsy gremlin for the night, also known as Palmer. But, because it's the Fourth of July and I'm happy because your mom's forgiven me and I've eaten more barbeque food than is good for me and drunk two bottles of beer (all your mom will let me have), I'm being nice(ish) to him. Because the temperature's dropped to a tolerable level, I'm at a party, I'm having fun, I'm with my friends and my beautiful wife (to be), and the fireworks are about to start. Perfect. All that's missing is you._

_love forever_

_dad xxxx_


	8. Getting through discussions unscathed

_YOUR ROOM_

_Home_

_18__th__ August_

_My baby,_

_I'm sitting here admiring my (okay mine, Abby and McGee's) handiwork. Your room is finally ready. And we (translation= I) got through the "discussion" over the colour relatively unscathed. We (i.e. your mom) decided on turquoise. Because it's girly enough if you're a girl and it's not too girly incase you're a boy. Which I doubt. Abby volunteered her and McGee to help and I said yes before she had a chance to tell him. But McGoo can't say no to Abby. So, after two days of painting along to Abby's music, we finished. And, if I do say so myself, it looks pretty damn good. In just over a month you'll be sleeping here. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. Because it's scary, the thought of being responsible for you 24/7. But I can't wait. Neither can your mom. She's confined to desk work and hates it. Loathes it. Detests it. So she'll be really happy when you get here._

_love_

_dad xxxx_


	9. Welcome to the world!

_St Bethesda Hospital_

_12__th__ September_

_My beautiful little baby girl,_

_Welcome to the world! You're two weeks early but you'e absolutely perfect._

_For the last couple of days we've been arguning about girls names. We didn't even mention boys names. I suggested Tali after her sister to make up for the whole Ari thing. She wanted Jennifer, after our old boss. I told her it was weird naming my daughter after my old boss but our mom argued that Jenny was her friends before she was our boss. We couldn't come to an agreement so I suggested a vote. McGee voted Tali (I didn't even have to bribe him) and Abby voted Jennifer. So did Ducky. And after threats of a long and painful death, Palmer voted Tali. So it was thee all. We asked Gibbs to be the deciding vote. Tali Jennifer or Jennifer Tali? I knew what he'd say by his face. It was no surprise._

_Last night around 11.30, I was asleep on the sofa (I'd fallen asleep watching TV) when your mom woke me up._

"_Tony my contractions hve started," she said. I may have started to panic. Slightly._

"_They can't be! She's not due for two weeks!" I said. Your mom reminded me that babies can come early. So I drove us to the hospital. And yes I was driving like your mother._

_We arrived in record time, unlike you. You took your time. We were in the delivery room for seven hours. Well, your mom was. I had to go ot a couple of time for coffee to "keep me awake." In actual fact I needed to give my hand a chance to recover. Your mom actually succeeded in dislocating my pinkie! The midwife informed me I was the firs to have my finger dislocated by one of her patients. I informed her your mom was probably her first ex-Mossad patient. She went a bit pale at that._

_Your mom was not impressed by chldbirth. Pretty early on she said "One movie reference and this baby will be your first __and__ last." I decided not to argue and kept my mouth shut. Mostly. Later your mom glared at me and said "This is all your fault." I was pretty fed up of hearing this so I replied "You were there too Ziva! You were a willing participant. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango." Then she dislocated my pinkie._

_A few hours later, and a trip to the ER for my and my pinkie, and you decided to put in an appearance. Next thing I knew, the midwife plonked you down in my arms saying "It's a girl."_

_At that moment when I was holding you in my arms, I fell completely in loe with you. You were gorgeous! Then you started to howl so I gave you to your mom so you could feed._

_At 7.48 am on the 12__th__ of September, we welcomed you, Jennifer Tali DiNozzo, into the world weighing four pounds seven ounces. Now, as your mom sleeps, I'm sitting watching you sleep, unable to believe you're mine. Abby and McGee came to visit earlier and Ducky and Gibbs are coming later. Abby brough you a cuddly toy she boght this summer in Disneyworld. It's a goth Mickey. I laughed so much when I saw it. It's so cute and so Abby. It's sitting beside me now. Until tomorrow baby girl._

_love_

_dad xxxx_


	10. Coming Home

Home

19th September

Dear Jennifer

We took you home today. I've had to give in and call you Jennifer. I tried calling you Tali for a couple of days but your mom kept giving me death glares and threatening to Gibbs slap me. So, in the interest of preserving my remaining brain cells, I gave in. Gibbs told me it was a wise move. I guess he would know, since he's had four wives.

They kept you in hospital for a week because you were early. Just incase your lungs or heart or anything was weak. But you take after your parents, you're a fighter. There's nothing wrong with you.

So you're home. I thought it would be easier now you're here. But it's not. It's scarier. Cause anything could happen to you. We've went round babyproofing my apartment. And we see so many horrible things in our job, it makes it worse.

I promise you Jennifer Tali, I will do my very best to protect you from whatever I can. I would kill for you and your mom, and I would die for you. Remember that always.

love

Dad xxxx


	11. NCIS Baby

_Home_

_24__th__ December_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_Merry Christmas! Your first Christmas! Your mom doesn't celebrate Christmas so you've celebrated your first Hannukah too. Your mom chose your Hannukah presents and I chose your Christmas presents (with a little help from Abby). You've done really well for presents. Our tree is practically overflowing with presents. Abby's present for you is huge! I almost dread to think what it is. McGee (or uncle Timmy as Abby insists on calling him in front of you), Ducky and Gibbs have given you presents. And the autopsy gremlin (he's not all bad-don't tell him I said that!). Even Vance has given you something. But it's tiny. And I suspect his wife had something to do with it._

_You're sitting on the floor in front of me playing with your mom. You're wearing the playsuit Abby and McGee bought you when you were born. I love it, it's so cute. It's black with red sleeves and legs. The back has the same design as our black NCIS jackets and on the front, where it says NCIS on our jackets, it says NCIS baby. You wear it a lot._

_I love watching you play. You're so cute. And when you laugh my heart just about melts. If McGee ever read this he'd laugh himself silly and tease me forever, but it's true. Being a dad still scares me, but I hve to admit, I love it and I love you. _

_I better stop. Your mom is sure I'm writing a report or som ething work related so she's liable to kill me. I love you jennifer._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	12. OUR NEW HOUSE

_OUR NEW __HOUSE_

_4__th__ April_

_Hi Jennifer_

_Well, today we moved into our new house. Yes, house. Not apartment. It was all your mom's idea._

_She wanted to get a dog. I didn't want one but, for fear of being murdered with a paperclip, I said we couldn't get on because we didn't have a garden. "Okay" mom said. "Let's buy a house." So instead of a dog, I got a house. And a garden. With grass. Which __I__ have to cut. I told your mom that I don't know how to work a lawnmower and was told "You will learn." So now I've got a four bedroomed (Why four bedrooms? We don't __need__ four bedrooms.) house to paint (although Abby volunteered her and McGee to help again), a garden to clear out, a fence to paint and a shed. _

_Not only that, but I have to pay for a new kitchen, new lounge furniture, a new TV (although that's no great sacrifice, one of the 3D HD ones would be pretty good for movie night), and new bedroom furniture. This is going to take a pretty big chunk out of the movie budget._

_I have to admit, the house is nice. It's an older building and very us. Not too old, not too modern. Not too posh, not too run down. Not in the heart of the city but not out in the country. Okay, I'll admit it, it's perfect. (There Ziva, happy now?)_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_

**A/N: Th dog may resurface later! But I don't know what kind of dog would suit Tony and Ziva. I was thinking something like a dalmation or a labrador, with lots of energy. Any ideas, just PM me! Hope you're enjoying this so far. Thank you for all the great reviews! :)**


	13. What ifs

**Hey. Thanks for all the reviews so far and for all the suggestions concerning the dog. Please keep them coming! Enjoy! :)**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_Home_

_11__th__ September_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_I've had an awful day. It's almost midnight but I can't switch off. Some nutter decided to try and blow up three navy ships today. Trying to search through them all was murder. We found them though. Thank God. But then the aforementioned nutter was understandably not chuffeed that we'd foiled his evil plan. So he tried to kill McGee. It was terrible. I know I tease him and call him names and everything but I was scared. Scared that nutter would kill him. Because he's my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without him. But we stopped him._

_Now it's all over, I feel kinda...deflated. All that worry and adreneline. But I couldn't show that I was worried. Because that's not me, not what I do. So it's trapped, locked inside me. Your mom tried to talk to me about it but I shut her out and I hate myself for it. I tried holding you but it didn't help. So now I'm sitting here alone, and I can't stop the tears. What if he'd died? What would I have done? I honestly don't know. I know it's pointless but I can't stop thinking about it. What if your mom had been there? What if something had happened to her? What if something had happened to me? It's your birthday tomorrow. What if that nut had killed me? I wouldn't have gotten to your first birthday. I've got to be more careful now. It's not just me anymore. There's you and your mom. I don't want to leave you all alone. I love you both too much._

_Gibbs would Gibbs slap me if he saw me moping like this. Rule 11. When a job is done, walk away._

_It's one minute past midnight. It's your first birthday. Happy birthday Jennifer Tali DiNozzo!_

_love _

_Dad xxxx_


	14. Birthday Presents

_Home_

_13__th__ September_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_So how did you enjoy your birthday? You scored on the present front (as usual!). And your first movie from McGee!_

_After everyone went home, I gave you my special present. Your mom opened it and I swear she was speechless. A rare event! (I hope she doesn't find this) Because I bought you your very own Star of David. I searched long and hard for the right one. It had to be perfect, just like you. It's made of white gold and has diamonds set into it. Your mom actually looked like she was going to cry when she saw it._

_Well baby, I have to go. It's late now and I'm tired after the last couple of days._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	15. The Hangover

_The office_

_2__nd__ January_

_Hi Jennifer,_

_I've got a massive hangover. Still. Every time McGee hits a key on his keyboard it sounds like a gunshot. Feels like it too. Do you know how fast he types? Your mom keeps laughing at me. Gibbs gave me my first Gibbs slap of the New Year this morning. It felt like a weight had landed on my head, you know like in Looney Tunes or whatever. Of course, that just made your mom and McGee laugh even more. Just because they had the sense to stop before me._

_It's your mom's first day back. And it's the first day we've left you at day care. I'm more worried than your mom. She's like, "She will be fine." But I'm like "What if something happens to her? What if she becomes ill?" Your mom gave me a Look. Then I got the aforementioned first Gibbs slap._

_You're starting to walk and talk now. That's scary. Because you're growing up. And that's __really__ scary! Your hair's growing too. It's brown, darker than mine but lighter than mom's, and has cute little waves. You look at me and smile and I fall in love with you all over again. I'm so glad we have you._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	16. It's all your fault

_Home_

_27__th__ July_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_Your mom's mad. I came home tonight and she came out of the bathroom and threw something at me. "It's all your fault," she snapped before storming into the kitchen. I looked at what she'd thrown at me. It was a pregnancy test. Positive. Damn._

_So Jennifer Tali, you're getting a baby brother or sister. What do you think of that then? Your mom isn't too happy, because it's so soon after you. Otherwise I think she'd be happy. I think… I don't know how I feel. I never thought we'd have you, let alone any more kids. Getting my head around the idea of being a dad again will take some time._

_All I know is I'm going to have to wear a hard hat. Between your mom and Gibbs I won't have any brain cells left otherwise._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	17. An Eye Opener

_The garden_

_12__th__ September_

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER TALI!_

_Today you reached the grand old age of two! Inside your party is still in full swing. So far we've had three tantrums, two scabby knees and one vomiting. And none of them have been you! That makes me so proud (and so glad I'm not any of those kids dad). Your mom is getting on fine with the kids, so's Abby. McGee looks a bit freaked by all the running around and screaming but he's holding his own. I'm surprised by Gibbs. He's so good with kids! I needed some air so I came out here. All the screaming was getting to me._

_You look so cute today. Your hair's reached your chin. It's still in between your moms and mine, and wavy. You're wearing a gorgeous purple dress and your Star of David necklace. You're about the only one who doesn't have cake or frosting down your front. Seeing all those kids from your day care makes me realise how good you are! You don't snatch, you don't steal, you don't wine every five minutes, you don't hit, you don't scream if you don't get your own way. It's an eye opener._

_I should probably go back. Otherwise your mom will start to yell at me. And she doesn't need an excuse to do that these days. Pregnancy does not suit her._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	18. Flying

_Home_

_4__th__ March_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_Yesterday, at 11.45pm, after eight hours of labour, your brother, Anthony Eitan DiNozzo was born weighing seven pounds three ounces. Your mom says "Of course he took longer. He is a boy. What do you expect?" She says the same about him being heavier. Which I object to. But not to her face. I may object but I'm not suicidal. Eitan has your mom's dark hair, but unlike yours it's straight like mine, and her eyes._

_So last night, I was left in charge of you. This morning we watched Peter Pan. I told you we would. Except then you wanted to fly. Which was a bit awkward as you can't. So I improvised. I sat you on my shoulders and started running around the garden. You loved it. I did too. And I was worried about being a dad because it meant being grown up. HA!_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	19. I'm sorry

**This is one of my personal favourite chapters. I think it's one of the best. Of course that could just be me and my big head! **** Let me know what you think! (BTW, don't think too harshly of Ziva or Tony in this chapter!) Oh, and rule 6 kinda goes out the window for this chapter. But I don't really care.**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_The office_

_29__th__ March_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry I'm not home._

_I'm sorry mom's in such a bad mood._

_I'm sorry I come home less and less. I'm sorry mom snaps at you._

_I'm sorry she forgot to pick you up from day care._

_I'm sorry you have to take a backseat to Eitan. _

_I'm sorry you've seen us argue._

_I'm sorry you've seen mom cry._

_I'm sorry you've seen me cry._

_I'm sorry mom never smiles anymore._

_I'm sorry the house is filled with stony silence._

_I'm sorry mom and I are like strangers._

_I'm sorry I've treated her badly._

_I'm sorry she's treated me badly._

_I'm sorry all the life has gone from our house._

_I'm sorry you're left alone._

_I'm sorry it feels like we don't care._

_I'm sorry you've seen our anger._

_I'm sorry you've seen us at our worst._

_I'm sorry you've seen us at our lowest._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_Dad xxxx_


	20. Falling Apart

**Okay, 'bout the last chapter got some feedback saying it was OOC. Personally I don't think it was but everyone's entitled to their own interpretation and own views and I'm not saying I'm right you're wrong or anything, that's just my opinion. Oh and in reply to the anonymous review I got (Sorry have to reply this way, but I'm not having a go or anything!) I wasn't saying that Tony did want anyone to see him cry, he didn't want his kids to see him cry. Next couple of letters will be pretty angsty and you might all think it's OOC still but I'm trying to fix that! Don't worry it cheers up soon! **

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_The office_

_17__th__ April_

_My gorgeous baby girl,_

_I miss you so, so much. I seem to be spending more and more time here or at McGee's. He doesn't say anything and for that I'm grateful. Because I don't want to talk about it. Your mom and I don't talk anymore. She's depressed I know that. She was barely back to work and she was pregnant again. I try to help her but she's so stubborn she insists she's fine. Which makes me mad because she's not and I love her and want to help her. Then we're fighting. _

_Everything's falling apart. I don't want to leave. I love you, I love your mom and I love Eitan. I'm like her, I'm stubborn. Leaving is like giving up and I don't give up._

_The old Ziva sparkle is gone. I look at her and it's the same look she had in Somalia. That's it, I've hit the nail on the head. It's just like she's back in Somalia again. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I can't deal with this. I just want your mom back. I know she's still there, inside. I just have to find a way to reach her. I suggested I looked after the two of you for a couple of days and she took time off but she was already mad at me and we ended up fighting. Again. I know we both just want this fixed, for you and your brother. Trouble is, neither of us knows how._

_Dad_


	21. It's not my fault

_Home_

_15__th__ May_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_I can't believe it. I just cannot believe it._

_Your grandpa Eli is helping me._

_Well trying to. Ziva must've called him or something (so you know things are really bad) because he contacted Gibbs wanting to know what was wrong with his daughter. So Gibbs told him. Except the part about me being your dad. Grandpa Eli doesn't exactly have the highest opinion of me, but it's pretty mutual. And now he's trying to persuade your mom to get help. Thank you Eli David, I love you. (Well…)_

_I'm finally starting to cope. I come in to work late every day because I take you to day care and I pick you up and take you home. Then I spend and hour with you and Eitan so your mom gets some time to herself. Then I go into the office again for a couple of hours to do reports then home to cook (or order takeout). But most importantly, I know __it's not my fault__. _

_It was Gibbs who helped me see that. Last week, when I was ready to throw myself off the Washington Monument (kidding, I would never do that!), he talked to me. Yes, really talked. I know, it's unbelievable! I got more than two words out of him!_

_We were in the elevator. I was expecting a Gibbs slap. I'd messed up. I was seriously screwing up. My mind just wasn't on work. He didn't disappoint. But it wasn't because I was making a mess at work. He said, "You shouldn't be here. You should be with your kids."_

_I said, "Boss, if I'm stuck at home much longer my kids'll be visiting me in the loony bin." He didn't say anything so I said "I know, I know, it's all my fault."_

_He said, "It's not your fault."_

"_I know, I know, you-" Then I realised what he'd said. "Wait, __what__?"_

"_It's not your fault," he repeated. That was the first time anyone said that to me since you were born. Gibbs talked to me. Really talked to me. Well, after three divorces I imagine you've seen it all. (I'm just glad Ziva doesn't play golf. Or baseball. Ouch!) And you know what? It helped. So thanks Gibbs. Thank you so much. _

_Things are going to get better baby, I promise._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	22. Back

_Home_

_31__st__ May_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_We've got your mom back. I really didn't think we would. Gibbs talked to her and she told me later that he told her that she wasn't Mossad anymore, it was okay for her to show emotion and it was okay to need help. Then I held her and let her cry and tell me how she felt. Funny, but we were both feeling the same things, loneliness, hurt, frustration, confusion, anger, regret. But being the types of people that we are, we didn't know how to talk about it with each other, or anyone for that matter! I remember after Jeanne left (I'll explain when you're older) your mom kept trying to get me to talk to her but I wouldn't. I was determined I was fine and had moved on. But I wasn't fine, I was hurting. But I couldn't tell your mom that. Instead I hurt her by bringing up the whole dead man walking incident. Idiot._

_Then your mom said, "I am sorry Tony." But we both know no one was to blame. Today I heard her laugh. She ganged up on me with McGee. And when I got Gibbs slapped I swear I saw the sparkle return to her eyes. Tonight she took care of Eitan, really, truly, properly, with all the care and affection that had been missing until now. And she played with you. My Ziva is back._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	23. Preschool and Vanity

_The office_

_14__th__ August_

_Hi Jennifer!_

_You went to preschool for the first time today. You were fine, to you it was just like day care. I was a bag of nerves. Your mom kissed me and said "Do not worry Tony. It will give you wrinkles." That distracted me for a few minutes. Damn my vanity._

_Good luck baby girl! Enjoy your first day of preschool._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	24. I love you daddy

_Home_

_3__rd__ March_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_Your brother turned one today. But that's not what I'm going to write about. I think you were a bit jealous of all the attention Eitan was getting because you were getting sulky. So I took you upstairs to the spare room we turned into a family room and we hung out there. I put on a cd and you started dancing. Soon you had me up too. I'll admit it, it was great fun just the two of us. You were laughing and happy again. I love your smile, always have. Your whole face lights up. Your hair was bouncing round your face, it's so wavy these days._

_Eventually I collapsed on the sofa. Oh man, I must be getting old! Never thought I'd say __that__! You on the other hand have limitless energy (is it something they sneak kids at birth to keep them bouncing through childhood?). Then you jumped onto the sofa next to me, threw your arms around my neck, practically strangling me (you hugs give Abby's a run for their money), and said "I love you daddy." I don't know why, but it made me want to cry. Instead I held you tight and said "I love you too baby."_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	25. Scary Thoughts

_Home_

_3__rd__ September_

_Dear Jennifer,_

_You've started school. Wow, scary thought. My little girl's not so little anymore. _

_Last year was so difficult with Eitan being born and then your mom struggling with depression. I'm happy this year hasn't been the same. Our job doesn't exactly allow for lots of family time but we're making it work. And we make sure that one weekend a month your mom and I have a break. Abby's always willing to look after you two, and your spending time at your friends houses now so life is calming down. At last! Well, as calm as it gets for two federal agents with two young kids. Okay, maybe not calm, but organised. Nope that's still not right. Routine! That's the word! We've gotten into a routine!_

_You're learning to read and write. Soon I'll be writing you letters for real. You'll get to read these ones too, but not until you're older. This notebook's gotten a lot of use in the last five years. Hopefully it'll be something for you to hang onto forever._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	26. The First Letter

**Just a note to explain, this is the first letter Tony actually gives to Jennifer. Hence why it's even shorter than usual. (I know, sorry!) But they will be getting longer in the future as she gets older. At this point she's four. I don't know when you go to school in America but here in the UK it's either at four or five so I'm going by that, sorry if I'm wrong! It was going to be when she was five but I made a mistake in counting her age so she's four. Enjoy! Thank you for all the nice reviews and suggestions about the dog. PS, keep the suggestions coming! (See OUR NEW HOUSE)**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_The office_

_10__th__ April_

_To Jennifer,_

_I'm bored. I've tried annoying McGee. But I'm bored of that now too. I've played every internet game I can find. I'm too scared to annoy your mom. Don't tell her that! I'm supposed to be writing reports. _

_How's school? Is it boring too? Or do you like it? _

_Oops, I think Gibbs has noticed I'm not working. I'd better go before I get in trouble! Miss you!_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	27. The Second Letter

_Home_

_21__st__ October_

_To Jennifer,_

_I love the letter you wrote me. Thank you._

_I can't take you trick or treating on Halloween because I'm working but auntie Abby's promised to take you. So are we cool? If you stop by the office I may let you have some sweets out of my secret stash in my desk. But only if you promise not to tell anyone about it!_

_Your mom and I have decided to finally get married next summer. Are you looking forward to being a bridesmaid?_

_Auntie Abby said to ask you if you and mom wanted to go with her to Disneyland next year. What do you think? I'll stay and look after your brother, all us guys together, hey?_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	28. Sixth Birthday

**Hey. Just a quick note about the amusement park, Six Flags, that I mentioned. I've never been there, I just found it on the internet. Anyway, enjoy! Reviews make my day! :)**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_Home _

_12__th__ September_

_Deat JT,_

_HAPPY SIXTH BIRTHDAY!_

_I know you hate it when I say this but I can't believe how quickly you're growing up! (I'll shut up now.)_

_Did you have fun today? When you said you wanted to go to Six Flags I wasn't keen. But it was actually a really good day. You're totally fearless on the rides. And I wasn't scared on the rollercoaster, I was just screaming so you didn't feel so bad!_

_How did you manage to eat so much? You almost ate as much as me! I know you're a growing girl and all but jeepers! How much can one six year old eat? I'm kidding baby!_

_You've gotten so more movies to add to your collection this year. So tell me my budding movie buff, what's your favourite movie so far? And your favourite quote?_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	29. Wedding day jitters

**I apologise for the delay in updating but I kinda screwed up by uploading the wrong chapter last time. *smacks back of head* So the wedding has been pushed back a year. I'm going to be writing a separate story about their wedding day. I'll let you know when it's up. Reviews make me smile.**

**Christina x  
**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_McGee's apartment_

_9__th__ June_

_To Jennifer,_

_It's really early but I can't sleep. Today, your mom and I are getting married. I'm scared. But I want to do this. I can't wait to see you and your mom in your dresses and Eitan in his suit (he looks so cute in it!). Tonight he's staying with auntie Abby and you're having a sleepover at Gibbs'. He offered to babysit you. I know, I know, you're not a baby anymore, you've told me. See you later!_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	30. Bahamas

_Atlantis Resort_

_Bahamas_

_16__th__ June_

_Hi JT!_

_How are you enjoying staying with Gibbs? I hope you're being a good girl. Tell him and auntie Abby and McGee thank you from me and mom for this holiday. We're having a brilliant time although we miss you and Eitan loads! It's really hot and sunny here, even when it's raining. We went swimming with dolphins yesterday (like the one on the front of this card). We've spent most days on the rides here at Atlantis. Don't tell your mom but on one of the rides, a really high one, I screamed worse than Eitan does. I'm running out of room here baby. Miss you. See you next week. Be good._

_love_

_Dad xxxx (and mom!)_

**NCISNCISNCIS**

**The ride I mention is the one which is designed to look like an Aztec temple and from what I remember it is really high. I have been to Atlantis but it was when I was really young so I don't remember much. But I do remember it was hot when it rained and we did go swimming with dolphins (except I was scared!).**

**Christina x  
**


	31. Unexpected Announcement

_The office_

_7__th__ December_

_Dear JT,_

_Oh my God, I can't stop laughing! It's hilarious! Your mom's trying not to laugh, but she finds it funny too. McGee doesn't know who to be more afraid of, Gibbs or Abby. He has this scared rabbit in the headlights look._

_This morning Abby came into the squad room with this funny look on her face. She went over to McGee._

_Abby: We need to talk._

_McGee: Um, okay?_

_Me: What's up Abby? You look kinda funny._

_Abby: Tony, butt out!_

_(Abby can be pretty fierce when she wants to.) I glanced at your mom. This wasn't good._

_Abby: It's about halloween._

_McGee: Abby that's ages away._

_Abby: Not next halloween! Last one!_

_McGee: Oh. What about it?_

_Abby: What happened on halloween?_

_McGee: I don 't really remember Abby._

_Me: Bit too much to drink McProbie?_

_Abby: Shut up Tony! Or I will kil you and I will not leave any forensic evidence._

_I shut up._

_McGee: Abby I really don't remember._

_Abby: Try Timmy, try hard._

_McGee: Well, we went to a party at your friend's. Then..._

_McGee's eyes went wide and he went kinda pale._

_Me: (to mom) I think we have a eureka moment._

_Mom: (frowning) I do not smell anything._

_Me: No Ziva it's- Never mind._

_She still looked confused, unlike McGee who seemed to be understanding (good thing someone was) and looked a bit sick._

_McGee: No...We... No._

_Abby: Yes._

_Me: (to mom) Any idea what they're on about?_

_Mom: No._

_Abby: I'm pregnant!_

_At that moment Gibbs walked in. He looked at bit shocked, it was hilarious. I couldn't help myself, I burst out laughing. Abby glared daggers at me and McGee then stormed out, warning McGee not to follow her. Looks like rule 12's out the window!_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_

**A/N: Sorry for the crappy eureka moment joke, but I couldn't resist! So a nice dash of McAbby added just for good measure! What do you think?  
**

**Christina x  
**


	32. Baby Fever

_Home_

_20__th__ December _

_Dear JT,_

_Yes McGee's still scared of Gibbs. I think it's funny. Auntie Abby's not speaking to McGee yet, but she told mom and me she's forgiven him and she's just letting him sweat it out. She's actually really excited about having a baby. You know what auntie Abby's like when she's excited. :)_

_I really want to call Gibbs "grandpa" because him and Abby are like father and daughter but I don't dare. He'd probably shoot me. Abby's the only one who'd get away with that._

_Yes, I think auntie Abby would love it if you and Eitan made her and your baby cousin a card. Just don't try and glue glitter in Eitan's hair again, it took mom days to get it out last time!_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	33. Roses are Red

_The office_

_14__th__ February_

_Dear JT,_

_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue,_

_I can't write poetry,_

_But I love you._

_I know, my poetry sucks! But McGee wouldn't help me because he was too busy working on a poem for Abby. He bought her chocolates and flowers and everything. Ew! Your mom and I don't like that kinda thing (although I think your mom wouldn't have minded the chocolates). Instead we're all going out for dinner tonight so best behaviour!_

_love_

_Dad xxxx_

**Sorry for the crap attempt at poetry. When I was little my dad always used to get me a card on valentines day and make up a funny rhyme and I thought it would be the kind of silly thing Tony would do. **

**Christina x  
**


	34. Going Away

_The office_

_6__th__ May_

_Dear JT,_

_I'm going to be away for a while, with my job. I'm doing something special on my own. I'll be in Europe but I'll still send you letters, I promise!_

_I want you to promise me you'll be good for mom and not annoy Eitan too much. And you'll still have McGee and auntie Abby. And Gibbs and Ducky of course._

_I don't want to go baby, cause I'll miss you and mom and Eitan so much. But I have to._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	35. Flying Away

_The plane_

_11__th__ May_

_Deat JT,_

_I miss you already! You were really brave for not crying when we said goodbye. I know it was hard for me._

_There's no good movies on this plane! None! How difficult is it to find one decent film? Could they not have put on __one__ James Bond movie? There's enough of them. Or Fight Club. That's a good movie too. For the love of God people! It is not that hard to find a half decent movie! Argh!  
_

_I hate airplane food. I hate flying commercial too. It's better than some of the priority rides I've been on. I wish I was on the plane me, Kate and Gibbs took to Gitmo that time. It was so cool. Like the one Tom Cruise has. But no, I'm stuck between some guy who has no concept of personal hygiene and has eaten way too many McDonalds._

_Great, he's just informed me he gets airsick. Woopeee! Lucky me. I wish I was at home with you._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	36. Rome

_Rome_

_9__th__ June_

_Dear JT,_

_Hi baby girl! How are you? I miss you all so much. Especially today because it's a year since I married your mom. We've made it to a year! But I can't be there to celebrate it._

_Rome is amazing. Too bad I'm busy working and can't enjoy it. We'll have to come back together and enjoy it properly. The amount of pizza I'm eating is unreal! But it's so good. Italian food is amazing. Your mom makes a mean Italian but nothing beats the real thing. Don't tell your mom though, she might hate me. You'd love all the different types of gelato (ice cream)._

_I'm hoping to get back to see your new cousin when he or she's born. Just so I can tell auntie Abby to dislocate McGee's finger like your mom did too me._

_I've got to go work now. I miss you honey._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	37. Barcelona

_Barcelona_

_1__st__ July_

_Dear JT,_

_I'm coming home! My flight is booked for in three days. My work here finished today, thank goodness!_

_Sorry I couldn't write to you more often but I wasn't allowed. I got your letters though. I could probably quote them from memory. I read them every day._

_I can't wait to see you all again. I'll see you at the airport in three days at 5.30pm! _

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	38. Three Almost Heart Attacks

_Bethesda Naval Hosp._

_23__rd__ July_

_Dear JT,_

_In tonights movie at 11, a federal agent and a forensic scientist have their first child while almost givin g three other federal agents a heart attack. A gripping thriller, with a heart touching ending._

_Yes, today auntie Abby and McGee's baby was born. We didn't know until afterwards. We thought something bad had happened to them._

_Me, mom and Gibbs were out of the office, an McGee was working with Abby. When we came back there was no answer on either of their cells. No biggie right? We went down to auntie Abby's lab to look for them. That's when we started to worry. Everything had been abandoned including their cell phones. We asked Ducky and Palmer but they didn't know anything. By now we were really worried, we thought they'd been kidnapped._

_Five hours later my phone rang._

_Me: DiNozzo desk._

_McGee: Hey Tony._

_Me: Probie! Where the hell are you? And where's Abby? You together?_

_Mom: It is McGee? Are they alright? What happened?_

_Gibbs snatched the phone from me._

_Gibbs: McGee! Where are you?_

_I don't know what McGee said because Gibbs refused to put it on speaker phone. (I don't think he knows how.)_

_Mom: How did he sound?_

_Me: He didn't sound like he'd been kidnapped. Or tortured._

_Mom: Is Abby with him?_

_Me: He didn't say._

_Gibbs hung up and threw the phone back to me._

_Gibbs: C'mon, let's go._

_Me: (Running after him) What's happened?_

_Mom: Are they okay?_

_Gibbs: Hurry up you two._

_He didn't tell us anything all the way to the hospital. Mom and me were practically having kitten. (Don't use that expression in front of your mom, she'll just get mad at me.) It wasn't until we started going in the same direction as the signs for the maternity ward that we figured out what was going on. McGee came out to meet us. I gave him a very hard Gibbs slap._

_McGee: Ow! What was that for?_

_Me: Giving us a heart attack. We thought you'd been kidnapped or something._

_McGee: we were working when the baby started to come. So I drove to the hospital._

_Me: You could've told us._

_Gibbs: (Giving me a Gibbs slap) Shut it DiNozzo. They both okay McGee?_

_McGee: Come see for yourselves._

_We followed him to auntie Abby's room. You know how she's normally grinning like, permanently? Well her grin was even bigger than normal. She forced Gibbs to go give her a hug, not that he needed much forcing, he was really worried about her. (Don't tell him I said that. I'll get Gibbs slapped. Again.) Then she showed us your baby cousin._

_Abby: She's a girl!_

_Mom: She is beautiful._

_Me: Congratulations probie! Welcome to the dad club. It's like fight club except without getting beaten up-_

_Mom: (Gibbs slapping me) Tony!_

_Me: Well I get beaten up._

_Gibbs: Congratulations you two._

_Mom: What are you going to call her?_

_Abby: It was unanimous for the first name._

_McGee: Caitlin._

_Me: (Pretending I wasn't choking up) Suits her._

_McGee: And I chose her middle name. Abigail, after her mom._

_Mom: Caitlin Abigail McGee... Tony was right it suits her._

_Me: I'm always right._

_Abby: (To Gibbs) There was something else, will you be her godfather?_

_He said yes of course. Then auntie Abby let him hold his new goddaughter. Mom got a turn next, then me. She's cute (not as cute as you were of course) and I ended up feeling pretty choked up. "Hi Kate," I whispered. That was it. I had to hand her to McGee before I broke down. I managed to keep myself together-just!_

_So as you can see JT, today was pretty eventful. Never a dull moment, eh? I'll be glad to curl up on the sofa with a movie tonight a relax without panicking for a few hours._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	39. Kate

**Right now I'm on my knees begging for forgiveness. I am soooo sorry, but I suck at updating! And I now have NCIS writers block. Blame Doctor Who, CSI and CSI Miami. They distracted me! Not that it's difficult to distract me. Anyway, I digress. Because I started watching my CSI boxset and Five was showing the all time top ten episodes, I ended up with an idea for a CSI story so started writing it. Then a few days ago, I got distracted from **_**that**_** by the new series of CSI Miami. Hence why I have been so long in updating. But here are a few chapters of this one to try and make it up to you. Reviews may motivate me. (Unlikely, but I'm an optimist!) **

**Christina x**

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_Home_

_15__th__ August_

_Dear JT,_

_You wanted to know why I got choked up over baby Caitlin. Well, it's because she's named after an old friend._

_Before your mom worked with us, before I met her even, me, Gibbs and McGee worked with a girl named Caitlin Todd, or Kate. She was funny, smart, beautiful and like a sister to me. We used to tease each other all the time, except when we used to gang up on McGee. One time I was sick, like staying in hospital sick, and she stayed with me even though she could've gotten sick herself. Another time we were out working and a corn snake wrapped itself around her ankle. I told her it was poisonous but not to worry I'd get it off. I got it off her then McGee ruined it by telling her it was only a corn snake. It was so funny!_

_But a couple of days later, Kate died. She managed to save Gibbs' life only to be shot herself moments later. It was awful and I miss her so much. She was my best friend._

_So that's why I was upset because I remembered Kate and wished she was there. She was Abby's best friend so she would've loved to see her daughter. The funny thing is though, if Kate hadn't died, I wouldn't have met your mom._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	40. Pinkie Swear Promise

_The office_

_10__th__ December_

_Dear JT,_

_I've decided what I'm going to get your mom for Christmas/Hanukkah. I've been racking my brains (another expression your mom doesn't get) for ideas and I've finally managed to come up with this. But before I tell you, you have to promise you won't tell mom. Cross your heart, pinkie swear promise._

_I'm going to get her a dog._

_I must be mad. Our house is crazy enough, but I know she'd like one. It would be company for her on her runs. I had a look in the ads in the paper but those puppies cost a couple of hundred dollars! And that's not even the purebreds! Then I saw an ad for a rescue centre that lets you adopt dogs and I thought why not? So I'm heading there in a couple of days to have a look._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	41. Puppy Dog Eyes

**Thanks to everyone who gave suggestions about the dog, although it was so long ago you've probably forgotten who you are! Anyway, I liked the suggestion of them going to a rescue centre so I used a true story as the dog's history. A farmer I know found two collie dogs in his barn, abandonned and the female was pregnant. The puppies were soooo cute. There was one chocolate brown one that I so wanted but my dad's allergic. The majority vote was for the dog to be a lab, but I liked the idea of a mongrel (or a bitsa as they're called in Australia) so thanks for the suggestion! **

**NCISNCISNCIS**

_Home_

_20__th__ December _

_Dear JT,_

_It's nearly Christmas! I don't know who's more excited, you or auntie Abby. She loves Christmas. And Halloween. Actually, she loves most holidays._

_About mom's present. I went down to the rescue centre last week and was shown around by a girl called Mia. There were puppies, young dogs, old dogs, pure breeds, mixed breeds, every kind of dog imaginable, and even a couple that were seriously weird looking and I'm not even sure they were dogs. It was pretty sad actually, seeing all those dogs who people have given up on. I didn't mind if the dog was old or young or what. The only necessity (look for the, bare necessities, the simple bare necessities... I loved the Jungle Book) was that it had to be good with kids. I'd almost seen them all when this young dog came running to the front of his cage. His tail was wagging wildly so I couldn't not stop to speak to him. Besides, he was wearing the same puppy dog look McGee used to wear. What am I saying? He still wears it! I asked Mia what his story was (the dog, not McGee). She told me that a farmer found his parents abandoned in a barn, but they had amazing temperaments considering how they'd been treated. I quite liked the little guy, and he seemed to take quite a shine to me (no one can resist the DiNozzo charm!). He also seemed pretty keen on my watch strap, which I wasn't so happy about. He had character, was seriously cute and had big chocolate brown eyes. And the fact he's a proper mongrel made him even cuter. He sort of looks a bit like a Labrador or a dalmatian but his furs loads of different colours. I was sold. I can't wait to see your mom's face when she sees him._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	42. New Year

_The office_

_3__rd__ January_

_Dear JT,_

_I think your mom liked her present. Mind you, I think you and Eitan were equally enamoured with Ezra. What did you think of your karaoke machine? You thought we didn't pick up on your hints but we did. Your dad's not as thick as your mom thinks._

_I've never had a New Years Eve like this one. I don't know how we're going to beat it next year. I was surprised you lasted as late as you did. Then again, the amount of sugar you had, it's not so surprising. We eventually managed to get the karaoke machine microphone away from Abby, I don't know if you remember, you were starting to fall asleep by then. Of course, you woke up just before midnight and then you didn't want to go back to sleep. Did you really have to shout ewww when I kissed your mom? I'll have you know- Actually I'm not going to finish that, you're only eight._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_


	43. He's Gone and He's Not Coming Back

_Home_

_8__th__ March_

_Dear JT,_

_You saw me cry today. Really, truly, bawl your eyes out cry. I think it scared you so for that I'm sorry. I know that it's breaking rule six but I don't care! None of us ever thought this could happen. I don't know why. We see death so often. We've lost friends, no family, before. But we never thought our fearless leader would be one of them._

_Abby's inconsolable. Gibbs was like a father to her, and now he's gone. But we're all pretty shell shocked. Even Vance. That surprised me. I always thought they hated each other but I guess they didn't. I mean, Vance let Gibbs get off with a lot of stuff, so I guess he respected the fact that Gibbs was a good agent even if his methods weren't exactly kosher._

_It's almost midnight gut I can't switch off. I miss him. It's like when he retired but worse. Gibbs wasn't just my boss, he taught me most of what I know. I considered him a friend. I don't know if he thought that too cause no one could ever tell what the hell he was thinking. He was also more of a father to me than my real father. I mean, getting praise was like trying to get blood from a stone but still. And now he's gone. And I don't know how to feel. At first I was just numb. Then I got angry. How could he just die? Now... Now I want to cry and scream and shout. But it won't do any good. Because he's gone. He's gone and he's not coming back._

_love_

_Dad xxxx_

**Please don't hate me! **

**Hopefully I've gotten the right mixture of grief and anger as I think Tony would feel if Gibbs died. Like I said, please don't hate me!**

**Christina x**


End file.
